F@#%k Through, We're Going Out In All Directions - A Review of Sofia Ajram's "Coup de Grâce"
Before we begin, I want to be completely upfront with Content Warnings–as discussing this novella will involve very frank conversations about depression, suicidal ideation, and many themes that may be understandably uncomfortable or triggering for some readers. While I may feel that Coup de Grâce is an ultimately hopeful and powerful distillation of these topics, not all may feel this way, and I want for folks to proceed with any form of caution they feel necessary.
And with that, let us begin.
2024 has been another hell of a year for horror, so far. The genre continues to morph and grow into something that not only includes all manner of experiences and voices, but previously seldom remarked topics and subject matter as well.
One such topic is that of depression and suicidal ideation–struggles that proliferate through our darkest hours of late-stage capitalism and its (please, goddex) current downslide amidst its own self-destruction. Despite these truths, these topics are still viewed as taboo, often portrayed as a demon to be overcome as swiftly as one overcomes the common cold. We pretend as though these struggles are not treated with extreme prejudice by workplaces, schools, and other institutions that continue to operate under archaic beliefs of white supremacy and eugenics.
Be as it may, this has caused many genres of writing to skirt around the subject, even within books sold as direct engagements with said topics. You never want to get too deep. It would be uncouth to go too far with your depictions/discussions. This isn't entirely the fault of our society, as we as writers often shirk away from fully exploring the darkest aspects of our personal humanity, in fear that doing so will make us unlovable or wrong. We've been so conditioned with the fear of facing depression head on that we often betray our selves and health to appease those around us. To not appear difficult.
Last year I reviewed Sarah Rose Etter's flooring debut, Ripe, which is one of the most unflinching depictions of living with extreme depression and SI, all while trying to live/succeed in one of the most cutthroat capitalist hellscapes on the planet. It's fantastic at the same time as it's ROUGH to read. Despite such, it was a breath of fresh air for me. Reading a character so earnest in their struggles felt so validating when so much media is focused on conquering rather than understanding. There is a difference.
Enter Sofia Ajram (any pronouns, preference for he/him), a rising genderfluid author within the horror community with his editing this year's anthology Bury Your Gays: An Anthology of Tragic Queer Horror, as well as his novella debut, Coup de Grâce, which we are here to discuss today. Ajram has consistently displayed passion and prowess within his editing work, however it is within this novella where these attributes shine the brightest.
Coup de Grâce follows a young man, Vicken (isn't that the coolest fucking name??), whose current locomotive trip is intended to lead him to Saint Lawrence River, where he has made concrete plans to die by suicide. While this is not the easiest decision, it does feel the most prudent to where he is in his life/this world. Where many books often get a little maudlin in voice at this point, Ajram excels in balancing the sardonic humor with said darker themes. Vicken is not stewing in his pain, but rather has arrived at a strange sort of peace. Though not as strange as you would think if you're someone that's battled with SI for a large portion of their life.
As we are introduced to Vicken, his inner monologue is somewhat interrupted by another man on the train with him, Felix, who engages in brief flirtation before providing Vicken his number and vacating the train. Some stories might posit this as the moment our protagonist realizes life is worth living, runs to Felix, and goes on to live a happy life healed through love. This is not that kind of story. Depression doesn't work that way.
When Vicken reaches his next stop, he suddenly finds himself in what appears to be a regular station, but everything feels...wrong. No one is around, sure, but what's more concerning is the geometry and architecture of the station, which appears to stretch past the limits of not only perception, but liminality itself. What starts as a puzzling comedy of errors quickly dissolves into a maddening nightmare.
To describe any more of the plot would ruin the experience of this story, which is exactly what it feels like, an experience. Vicken is such a uniquely and humanely earnest character, inhabiting all of the dark humor, insight, and empathy that often exhibits in those who struggle the most with depression and SI. His movements through this labyrinth become our own as we attempt to solve the puzzle beside him, all the while learning more and more about his temperament and the moments/observations that led to his decision to die by suicide in the first place.
I'm sure you may find it odd that I would identify with and love a character such as Vicken, being that his goal is to allow his life to end, but believe me when I say that Vicken is a character you come to love. Ajram deftly captures the depressed human spirit, while also exploring the very real spark of survival that kicks in when we are presented with the uncanny, despite a resolution to die. I'm getting ahead of myself though.
What stands out the most to me in Coup de Grâce is just how much my soul sang to this novella. In typical chaotic universe things, I read this while in the grips of one of the deepest downward spirals of SI I've had in a long time. I'm not here to get into the specifics, but I'm sure I'm not alone in this experience. It is hard to exist in a world so apathetic to the suffering of others where your day-to-day feels like an exercise in perpetual gaslighting, watching friends and family turn blind eyes to multiple genocides, falling into our very American/European apathy, and begrudgingly accepting an artificial powerlessness that those in power rely on so that we consistently fail to put them in their place.
It's honestly fucking exhausting, but more than that, it's dehumanizing. Reading a story so earnest and honest in its depictions provided the same breath of air that Ripe did. However, Ajram's tale feels even more personal, highlighting class and queer identity and how those intersect amidst a capitalist hellscape.
The supernatural horrors encountered in this architectural labyrinth, while in many ways classically horrendous, are additionally excellent metaphors for some of these experiences. As I've discussed in other pieces, horror remains one of the most effective genres with which to contend with such topics because our fear of the uncanny runs alongside our deeper fear of reality. Think of the ways we turn to comfort media as a means of escapism "when the going gets tough." It's terrifying to face the world in its current state, and while a little escapism is healthy when trying to maintain your sanity, we have almost elapsed into a perpetual escapism as a means of never dealing with the horror.
For Vicken, suicide is not meant to be a "cowardly exit" from such horror, but rather an unfortunate acceptance of a world whose apparent hope for change is ultimately doing dick-all to achieve it. We can only hold so much resolution of hope when others actively do whatever they can to spoil it. This further displays itself later on in the novella, in one of the most stunning set-pieces of human-versus-illness I've ever read. Vicken feels death is his only option, but he'll be damned if that death comes at the hands of bizarre creatures/architecture.
A reactionary struggle for life is a part of what many media depictions of suicidal ideation miss out on. It's never as black and white, or simple, as "I'm going to die, no one can change my mind." SI is a constantly shifting and evolving illness that never has one (or 13 -eyeroll-) reason or cause for choosing or not choosing to die. It's why we've moved away from the phrase "committing suicide." We've confused intent as a choice, rather than a desperate plea amidst a seemingly uncaring world.
Coup de Grâce is not about Vicken overcoming suicide, but coming to terms with why that want of death exists, while understanding that once the decision is taken out of your hands, you'll fight like hell not to be consumed by an external threat. It may sound counterintuitive, BUT SO IS SO MUCH OF WHAT WE DO AS HUMANS. What Ajram succeeds most in expressing is the gorgeous contradictions of what it means to be depressed and suicidal in our modern day. We view Canada as this progressive bastion of truth, when in many ways their government is just as violent, exploitative, and apathetic as ours–they just have a way better PR team than a bunch of drunk hillbillies and pastors trying to sell us on an ever-drying-out mummy.
To keep myself from endlessly rambling and ranting, I'd like to finish by pleading the case for why this novella is so important for not only the horror genre, but literature as a cohesive whole.
Sofia has defied expectation and written a story that refuses to entertain our classical precepts of the "overcoming suicide" narrative. In just under 200 pages, he has redefined what it can look like to discuss depression and SI in a semi-mainstream capacity. Coup de Grâce completely reconfigures the adage that "the only way out is through" by portraying the human spirit amidst the battle of getting through, proving that it is not always the endgame, but a step on a continuous journey to decolonize the mind and heart.
I won't lie to any of you and claim the subject matter is not challenging. My experience was transformative, but not everyone may find solace in the weeds of struggle. I urge any readers to consider your own temperament before reading, whether that means attempting it when you're out of a depressed spell, or deciding this one just isn't for you. I merely hope to express that there is a lot to be found in these pages for folks who struggle intensely with their mental health, specifically SI and severe depression. Despite its dark subject matter, there is so much life to find within Ajram's words and structure.
With that, I close by showing you the totally hilarious meme I created upon finishing:
As always, massive thanks to Titan Books for providing the Advanced Reader Copy to Edelweiss, where I was able to access this fantastic book. I can't want to hold a finished copy in my deranged hands. You can find Sofia online @sofiaajram and Titan Books @titanbooks. Coup de Grâce will release just in time for Halloween on 10/01/2024.
